To Build A Fire

Devin and I are not shy about the fights we have. We are under no illusion that fighting is unhealthy. Let's all face it, fighting is, in fact, healthy (to a certain extent of course). In the past couple of years, however, these weird "Couple Fights" that I've been watching my parents have for thirty years have happened with Devin and I.

The Couple Fight: to an outsider this fight is incredibly mundane, stupid and pointless. To the couple this fight is a matter of dignity, pride and utmost importance. Where if you were to back down and admit perhaps there's a better way to do things then you've lost the battle, and if you've lost the battle what else will you lose? Will you lose how to raise your children if you back down on this one thing? Who knows... the only thing we know is that we fight over really ridiculous things which are immediately funny to us because, fortunately, we have pretty awesome humor.

One fight in particular that took place recently which I've dubbed, "The Fire Fight" comes to mind.

It started off innocently enough. My parents got a fire pit for Christmas and being the sugar lover I am I wanted to make s'mores or, more importantly, just roast marshmallows over an open fire. Probably one of my favorite things to do. It was a really cold night and one thing you need to know about Devin is that he hates the cold. This isn't like a normal "ah! I'm cold!" this is like:

So naturally, Beast Devin had come out and he was there to stay. It was during that really freezing time when things had gotten in the negatives, in his defense. Anyways Beast Devin and I were trying to build a marshmallow fire... well, first, one thing you need to know about me is that I'm fiercely independent and any man who thinks he can help me do anything is sorely mistaken. I want to do it my way, so back off.


When it came to building a fire we had differing opinions. It's a fire, how hard can it be? Just put some logs in there and throw kindling under them and then light it. Done. Maybe I'll go a little 'Boyscout' and debate over whether to use "Cabin' or "TeePee" technique but.. other than that, I get 'er done.

Devin, being Devin, really prefers to do things the "right way" whereas I just like to do them... period. So while I was throwing things in the fire pit Devin stood back and did his best to be quiet, only intermittently grumbling things like, "We build fires very differently" or "This just isn't the way I would do it"

I ended up getting a log lit and I felt pretty damn proud that I had gotten it started, except it went out almost immediately.
Beast Devin was not impressed and after it went out, he booked it inside and proceeded to watch me from the window.

This is when it began to escalate, I was cold too, but Beast Leslie doesn't just come out for a cold night. Beast Leslie generally restrains herself for more important things like... building a fire. I sat there, kneeling next to this would-be fire, trying my best to act like I knew exactly what I was doing. It appears, however that not only in college did I earn my B.S. in biology but I got my BS in building a fire as well.

Beast Leslie and Beast Devin had come out to play.

 

Beast Leslie doesn't look anything different from Normal Leslie and this is because I am awesome and, like most girls, the majority of my warfare comes from within.


At this point I've gotten a fire started, but I'm offended that Beast Devin could just abandon our endeavor like that.
Beast Devin slowly appeared back outside at the site of the fire and decided that he could help make it a better fire. So what does he do? He flips the lit log over with the logic that "the other side needs to be lit too" and then the whole fire goes out.

 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. SERIOUSLY?!??!

So now we've got Beast Leslie, Beast Devin and a once beautiful fire... ruined. He seems to think that he has done the right thing despite the obvious lack of fire. I'm mad. I was proud of my fire.

We are left with smoldering bits of wood that I've decided to just blow on until they light the log above them, again.

I do it with the patience and persistence of a woman who really wants to say "I told you so"

Oh God... there is nothing like that silence before the storm. The impending doom of the Couple Silence. Where a thousand words, feelings and emotions are expressed with just a minute or two of that silence. You know each other so well, you can fight without words.
And if silence is any indicator of the kind of fight we were having... it was World War III.

And then it happened. The log lit in a small, but steady, fire. I looked at him, he looked at me.
I didn't need to say it.

I..... Was Right.

Whatever I was Right about, I'm not exactly sure, all I know is that For The Win I got that fire started.
Game.
Set.
Match.
Fire. 

Kids.

Kids. They are so much fun and to be honest I am really enjoying my job. However there are a couple of things that I've noticed about them that I just can't ignore. 

Like how when they make you a lunch of fake food they like to taste it before they hand it over to you, or even try to shove it in your mouth and no matter how many times you tell them that it's just "pretend" they still put the fake food in their mouths...

Or how when they cough sneeze or anything else there are really no inhibitions. 

Kids...

they are pretty much disgusting, but they're still awesome.

GERMS

Imaaaaaagination

Today I encountered one of those times when it almost hurt, almost physically hurt, that I could not, for the life of me, remember what it was like to have an imagination. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can sit there in a hailstorm and pretend that I am actually in the midst of a tiiiiiiny driving range and I’m ruining all the tiny people’s golf games. I just have to be honest though, hanging out with a five year old, one on one, made me sad.

To her the world is this magical place, Imaaaaaagination Land, where anything is possible, where anything can happen and then anything does happen.

To me the world just has what’s in it with a little funny things added. To her, the world is something full of magic and wonder. 

 We started off with playing house, we had six kids, four were babies and two were five year olds, we were the older siblings? Maybe we were parents, I’m not sure because we had a mommy living with us and the daddy was dead (I didn’t come up with that one, for the record).

We had two pets, a puppy dog and a giraffe.

We had to sleep under a blanket with all the babies and then there was a thunderstorm. Thunder is the sound of lightening, just so you know. Then the storm passed and we woke up for it to be morning. We stretched, made the bed and then it was time for breakfast.

An imaginary phone call later and we’ve been informed that a “Bad Man” is coming into our house as we speak and he only has eyes to steal our six kids and our pets. If we hide under a blanket though, he won’t see us and he will pass us by. 

 We hid. 

 Well…. I tried to hide and because I was too big to fit under the itty bitty blanket I was banished to the couch with my own blanket. My butt is huge, just so you know.

This whole while I kept asking where the bad man was, but he didn’t come until we were both were well hidden with our babies and pets in tow. After that it was time for breakfast, everybody had to have something. After breakfast it was time to go to college where we studied candy. They have candy at college, just so you know. 

I was only allowed to pretend eat the candy whereas she was allowed to for real eat the candy, but don’t tell Miss Emilia. I had the sneaking suspicion that the kids aren’t allowed to eat anywhere but in the kitchen.. so I stamped that out and told her it was her last piece.  

At the end of our time together her mom came to get her and Imaaaaaagination Land was closed down for the day.

And that is how we were saved from the Bad Man and I now have a degree in candy.

Valentine's Day (a guilt trip)

Valentine's day. Whether you love it, hate it or are indifferent to it, we all have to deal with it. For some people V-day or, Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D) is like this:

A day to be reminded that all those jerks out there broke our hearts and kicked us out to the curb as soon as they were done with us.

For all the boys who didn't want to call us your girlfriend, who didn't tell your friends about us or who just kept tugging us around, driving us to the brink of insanity because we are women and we want to believe in love.

We're all picturing you like this:

You're jerks. We hate you and you don't deserve any woman.
But like most of my blogs, I digress.

Valentine's day, for some; a day to mourn the loss of what could've been, what might've been or what should've been.

For others it's a different kind of shit show.

Where you are so sickeningly in love that the rest of us can hardly stand it. Your facebook lights up with appreciation for your significant other and nothing can seem to get you down.
To all of you we are picturing you like this:

Valentine's day. It's a day, that's for sure. But who cares whether you're in love, out of love or between loves I think we can all agree that love ain't so bad.

After all it's a day about love and most people have made this day out to be about how they are single. To those nay sayers I have one thing for you: V-day is about love, we never said what kind of love, you just made it about heartbreaklove. It could be love for your mom, your dad, your sister, brother or friends.
Love is the driving force in this world, it is! I'm not making this stuff up, I'm really not. It drives us to be bitter, to be happy, to be sane. It drives us to be angry to throw things, to make up, to hold on.

Okay so maybe I might be one of these:

But, come on, how can you hate love that much? It's just one day and you can choose to be happy, or not to be happy... hell while you're sitting there hurting about being single, a large percentage of people in America are worrying about waking up being single. They've got significant others who are deployed in hostile territory. Do I really need to say more?

So give it a rest. 

Be happy. 

Have hope.

The world is only as bad as you make it to be. 

Living with me

When you live with me there are certain things that you'd better not do for various reasons. Some reasons may seem a little, well, a little ridiculous and I try to keep it toned down. Like how I feel the need to get extremely bothered when something isn't where I left it. Or how if you listen to music a little too loud I will call the cops (ask all my old neighbors). In all fairness, however, they were playing their music at ALL hours of the day. But I am willing to admit that just most people drive me nuts, it doesn't matter how great of a person you are... you'll probably drive me nuts at some point.

 But there's just one thing, one thing, that drives me absolutely crazy. I am extremely accident prone therefore I find this offense to be something that is extremely dangerous and stupid. Irksome. I hate that word but that is the word that comes to mind when I think of this one thing.

Don't put the damned knives pointing upwards and DON'T leave the dishwasher open.
Just don't do it.
It's as if people don't think about what could happen should someone trip over the open dishwasher and onto the upward facing knife.

 A disturbing scene to say the least. You have been warned, don't leave the knives up OR the dishwasher open.


It's dangerous people.