The Zoo

Today my heart feels, essentially, crushed… it sounds dramatic and I apologize but that’s just the adjective that fits. 

But I’m not writing today to complain, I knew full well what I was getting into and don’t get me wrong for a second, I wouldn’t trade the love I have for Devin for anything. I just spent two weeks with my best friend and it was amazing and to close off block leave we went to the zoo.

We had a great day trying to distract each other from the inevitable. I drank too much coffee, I sang too loud to Glee (but only for half the drive, the other half we listened to his music) :P

We had fun.

We saw a 15 ft crocodile that made me uneasy to say the least but that somehow Devin still felt the need to say “I think he is even taller than me!” to which I had no reply… I could only smile at my revelation that we both suffer from Napolean Syndrome.

  We also saw some weird gross snakes, lizards and nasties that eventually made me nauseous for the rest of the day. We saw polar bears that jumped into the water with as much grace as … as much grace as…. Me? If you know me.. that’ll mean that they were not graceful at all. Why couldn’t I come up with a metaphor right there? Or is that a simile? Effe, I don’t know, or care. I must be tired.

Anyways we finally came across a magical sign which promised many things.

What?! KOALA? WALK? Yes, what I’ve always dreamed of: walking AND Koalas.

And on our way up to enter this so-called walk of koalas I found a friend. 

 And there we stood, together, bonded in small talk. While Devin grew bored of him in a couple seconds and walked off I stood there, mesmerized by this missing link, this animal that knew human words and responded to me. I pictured myself discussing matters of consequence with my new friend; the weather, celebrities' babies,  teaching him new words and most importantly- shiny things. 

Shit.

Like so many others before me I fell right into his trap of lies and deception.

There would be no long discussions into the night about shiny things and teaching him new words. Here I stood feeling bonded to this creature, once again a bird had won my trust and dare I say it? Friendship? I was hurt that he could mislead me like this.

And yet… I still felt the need to say bye…. And wave.. something I knew he wouldn't possibly understand.

 Or did he... did he really understand?

Maybe.......

Yes

Freshmen year of high school I was the new girl. I was friends with all the soccer girls but, for me being me, I was really quiet and really shy that first year. So on my birthday when I was faced in my history class with a guy handing me a rose, a small envelope attached… I was beyond flattered. I was so happy that someone had taken notice.

The note asked me to a ‘Military Ball’ and I had never been to one of those, nor did I have any clue about the military.

So I did what any young, uncomfortable girl would do. 

And that was the last I heard from him. We had a lot of classes together since then but we had just gone our separate ways. I would catch him staring at me from the back of our English class senior year, but that was it.

We graduated high school and I went to college and he went to the Army. 

Little did I know that Facebook would reunite us at the beginning of my junior year of college.

We talked. He told me he’d always liked me and I told him there was no way it could ever work because we were too different, but realizing it was unfair to judge too soon, I still wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and get to know him. 

He told me what he'd seen, my heart broke for him. 

He told me more and more about himself until he finally realized that I hadn’t told him anything about myself. Finally, someone had wizened up to my game. I was scared but he was stubborn, boy was he stubborn. And then I finally did open up. 

I told him what I’d seen and his heart broke for me.

  From Iraq to New Mexico we had become something more.

He came back from Iraq and we saw each other. That first night we went for a walk and we sat and looked up at the starry sky.  That idiot could not take a hint and just kiss me. But at the end of the night that first kiss came and there we stood, knowing that things were only going to get tougher, only going to become more complicated.

And they did. 

On and off it went for one reason or another over the course of the next two years. Long distance, not ready for more, things like that.

And through it all, uncharacteristically, I kept every keepsake that he had given me. I tore no pictures down, I kept my Army t-shirts, I snuggled at night with the stuffed tiger he’d sent, I tucked his dog tags safely in a drawer.

In retrospect it was obvious that I knew that this wasn’t a love that would fade, nor a love that I would get over anytime soon, this was the love that I had been praying for.

After so long, across the ocean and back, in the midst of a war, through heartbreak and tears we had fallen in love, we had stayed in love, and despite every obstacle we faced we continued to love. Devin taught me what it was to fight for someone and was a better man to me from halfway across the world than any boy had ever been from two minutes drive away.

So when he asked “Will you marry me?” 

I didn’t say

I said...

 

Well... actually I said "Oh my gosh, you're proposing right now!? yes, yes!!! of COURSE I will!"